I'm afraid that I've found the answer I've been looking for. Sometimes when I really think about it, I'm not sure if I wanted to know the answer to the question "why?" because sometimes the answers hurt even more than the questions they come from.
Let me clarify: for the past month I've been miserable for several reasons most of which I blamed on school, stress, and myself. But even then, there was always this nagging feeling that would not go away. I even told my counselor that I didn't know what was going on but for some reason I always felt sad, scared, and frustrated along with other incredibly vague emotions lol. My counselor told me something that I haven't forgotten and have been thinking about since our last meeting: "Your thinking is just fine, I don't see anything wrong with the way your thoughts are being processed. However, what you really need to do is convince yourself that YOU are okay." My counselor and I have been talking about cognitive therapy (which is basically seeing how your thoughts affect everything from your physical health and your behavior) and I think that's it.
(cue pop reference) It's like that Sister Hazel song (which I LOOOOVE) called "Change Your Mind":
If you've had enough of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of losing battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind, change your mind.
Change your mind, change your mind.
It's easier said than done but it does work. When you stop worrying and think about things differently, things start to change. I also think that in this process I should also face my past so in that mindset - I would like to be very, very honest for a moment.
I'm not going to lie, I feel like the majority of this year has been a failure on my part. I haven't told a lot of people exactly what went on with me last semester, but I think it's important to say it now: I was suicidal last semester and I did hurt myself once. I've said that I've been at rock bottom before but never like this. I was trapped in a kind of emotional/mental darkness I never wish on anyone. And really it was all very selfish of me - I was miserable because I feel that I've been independent since I was five and was forced into that mind set from the start. Therefore, I've carried it with me my entire life. I truly believed that while some people were kind, in the end I would always be alone and therefore, I should only expect things from myself. With that said, this year was the first year I lived alone and for the majority of the semester, I've been forced to depend on the kindness and generosity of others which on one hand is wonderful but at the same time, it was more painful than going to bed hungry because I was/am so used to fending for myself. I somehow survived last semester and then was quickly thrown into this one.
This semester was overwhelming just by the fact that I was still recovering from the fall and more so just because of my senior seminar (which was less than spectacular) and the fact that I was suppose to graduate this semester and didn't (that just added to the frustration, regret, etc.) and mostly just a bunch of academic pressure mostly coming from myself. Again, I had to mostly rely on others lending me a hand with food and money and again, it frustrated me because I couldn't take care of myself and I felt that I couldn't repay the favor. I haven't hurt myself at all this semester or really been all that suicidal, I mostly just hated myself and wanted to disappear from existence because I feel like I was in everyone's way and was a waste of space.
This concludes that summary of my senior year of college and I have one thing to say to anyone reading this: I am so very sorry. Not because I feel bad for saying that I was a failure and a menance to everyone but because I believed it was true. I'm sorry for all the times that my friends said "I love you" and I just took it as if it were a comment on the weather. I'm sorry that I hurt myself and caused so many people to worry about me. I'm sorry that I wasted so many days wanting to die that I forgot about everyone who wanted me to live and share memories with them. I'm sorry that I treated my friends and family's love and affection like a common everyday thing that it wasn't and never said "I love you too" nearly enough times as I should have.
I regret many things that now that I think about them aren't worth regretting: the biggest one of these is grades....grades are my arch-nemesis. No I probably didn't do my absolute best in the past but despite what my grades are this semester and whether or not I failed anything - I still felt like I have given everything that I possibly could have given with the hand I've been dealt which may not have been much, but it was still my all. I feel content in saying that now.
But then there are other things that I find more important and that would bring more regret if I didn't give 100% in: Was I kind to those who were kind to me? Was I helpful to those who needed strength, wisdom, or just a listening ear? When I was angry, did I express my anger in a way that was constructive or destructive (both are very possible)? Did I help someone love his or herself more because of the love I showed them? Did I make someone's day better just by being there? Am I the person that I should and want to be? I want to do well in school even if "well" isn't As and Bs and I do want to graduate (someday) but when I really think about it, I'm more interested in what kind of person I am to myself and others than what a piece of paper tells me. In short, I think I'm realizing like truly realizing what my talents really are and that it is okay that they may or may not involve excelling in school.
I am happy now but I am also sad because a bunch of wonderful people will be leaving in two days and it might be a very long time before I see some of them again. I know that we will all see each other again someday, I take comfort in that. But I will admit that I do have a very selfish wish and I doubt I'm the only one: I wish we could all just stay together like we have been for the past few years here. I know that people come and go but for the first time, it bothers me. I don't want them to go. I'm scared of not seeing them everyday, not being able to bust up in their dorm rooms or apartments whenever we actually had time to goof off together, not hearing them yell my name across the student center or tackling me out of nowhere because they want a hug, not laughing about how many inside jokes we can have five minutes, or not being able to watch crazy japanese cartoons together and laugh at each other's reactions when our favorite character gets screen time lol. Things like that (that only make sense to certain groups of people) are things that I will miss the most. But all good things must come to an end right? And even though I don't quite fit in with most of the people in my department, I will stick to my English major roots and quote a great truth from one Alfred Lord Tennyson:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
I will miss you guys so very, very much even if you're not graduating just yet and I'm proud to call you my friends. I love you so much I think my heart might explode lol. But most of all I want to thank you for being who you all are and making me the luckiest, happiest misfit ever. And because I believe in broadening your horizons, I will do so in as many different languages that I know off the top of my head:
Merci beaucoup...Gracias...Danke...Grazie...Arigato gozaimasu...Xie-xie...and thank you very much.
Don't worry, I'll be okay now :)
Much Love,
Misfit
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