M is for Misfit

Drowning

2009-11-03T23:31:00.003-06:00

I feel like I'm being pushed out to sea against my will.

The sea leads to many places...but...will I be able to keep my head above water?

Is it possible that somewhere there is someone with a life boat, searching for me?

If so, whoever you are, please keep looking - I'm here, crying out for you to find me!

Please find me before I drown!

Misfit

The Paradox of myself...

2009-10-20T18:25:00.005-05:00

So I didn't really feel like cranking out a long-winded post today but there was something on my mind that I did want to say. I wasn't sure how to say it without going on...and on...and on like I usually do. But then I turned to poetry and wrote this little speel on the spot about five minutes before posting this. Totally unedited and written on the fly: Enjoy :3

The Misfit

Ordinarily amazing,
Strange but familiar,
Smart but silly,
Average but rare.
Accessible when needed,
But forever wandering.
Soaring high above the clouds,
Feet firmly grounded.
Do not be fooled, nothing is
What it seems to be
Until laughter shines through
Brilliant, every day talents,
All a dime a dozen
But one...
I am genuine
I am me.

Misfit

All Kinds of Awkward

2009-10-15T14:40:00.002-05:00

So while I am not technically schizophrenic, there are times where I feel like I have two personalities inside me: the first is a child who is silly, compassionate, friendly, and warm like the sun. The second is an adult who is straight-forward, deep, logical, protective of others and herself, and cold as ice. They often conflict and react to each other, as weird as that sounds: the child is anxious and finds herself wanting and longing for something while the adult tells her to wait. But lately, I've come to find that both are wanting and longing for something, someone, whatever. It makes me angry, and sad, and frustrated overall.

On one hand, I say things to myself like, "It's not fair!" but moments after I think that, I retort with something like, "Fairness isn't an issue here, that's just the way things are."

I'm so tired and yet so very restless. I feel like I just want to either grow wings and fly off to another place or melt into the earth all together. I want to stop wanting things....

Misfit

Adventures in Aramark

2009-09-26T00:35:00.004-05:00

So there have been a couple of circumstance at work where I've had a couple of "counseling moments" with the customers. Here are some examples:

Last Saturday @ Chick-fil-La - Scene: the waffle fry warmer decided to stop working and therefore, we did not have fries.

Freshmen Guy: Are you going to make more fries anytime soon?
Me: Well the warmer isn't working right now so probably not. I'm sorry.
FG: What?! Sad day...
Me: ....Ya know....you could just get potato chips. They're practically the same thing but they won't burn you and may or may not have less salt.
FG: True...but I like the massive amount of salt!
Me: And this is why Americans have so many heart problems.
FG: .......also true....*goes to buy potato chips*

Wednesday @ Taco Bell - Scene: Like every other time I work at Freshen's, we're out frozen yogurt. again.

Me: Hi, how may I help you?
Guy: Hello, can I have an Oreo Microblast?
Me: I'm sorry but we're out of frozen yogurt right now...
Guy: *looks completely deflated/disappointed* What? ...You don't have any? At all?
Me: *suddenly wants to cry* No...I'm sorry! Would you like a smoothie instead?
Guy: No...that's ok.
Me: I'm sorry....Jesus loves you!

Pretty much every person who came to Freshen's wanting frozen yogurt reacted that way but man that guy wins for the best "sad puppy" impression. I wanted to run around to the other side and give him a hug lol.

So overall, working in the student center isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be. Plus, I get my first pay check this week!! (Hopefully....) On that note, I'm going to play some Final Fantasy, go to bed, and then get up and go make fried chicken with Chinese students from 12 to 5! :3

Misfit

P.S. - I love the Chinese students. They're freakin' adorable.

Victory!!

2009-09-08T19:53:00.003-05:00

After several months of searching, I finally got a job!! I'll be working Fridays and Saturdays in the student center making tacos and what not :D I start this week but I'll be trained on Thursday starting at 3. That's about the most exciting thing going on right now lol but I might post again later this week.

YAY INCOME!

Misfit

Surviving "Goodbye"

2009-08-10T23:01:00.003-05:00

I find it very interesting (to say the least) how one world can end with one person's life and then a whole brand new world, one without that person's presence. However, the "new world" isn't actually all that different from the "old" one: the Earth still turns, the sun and moon still rise and set, the wind still blows, and yet somewhere there is at least one person who feels a hole that was once full. I have not lost anyone close yet, but I have witnessed my friends suffer through this and it's hard for both me and them. I don't want to make it sound like I understand how they feel in those situations because that is impossible. No two persons experience the same event in the same way, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt both of them. Perhaps I am too empathetic but even if I don't know the person personally, when I've heard that someone has died - I always feel a deep sadness. Because I know that no matter who that person was, what they did, or where they came from - they were special to someone. Now do I always break down and cry for every person that dies in the world? No, but I can never walk away from hearing such news and remain unchanged.

I did cry for someone last night. I cried because he was gone, but I cried even harder for those he left behind. I really do not know him that well at all, we have never met in person, nor have we ever spoke a word to each other and yet I couldn't stop crying because I know that he had a family and he had friends and both his family and his friends now have to get up and face the world everyday, knowing that they will never see him in this life ever again. I know I'm not the only one that has cried for this man because there are people all over the world that love him. Yes he is a celebrity (in some parts of the world), but I don't feel the need to say his name or his association because it really shouldn't matter should it? Either way he will be missed and I know that there are several people all over giving their love and support to the others. I am included. I realize that I may be stepping on some toes by saying this but I believe that is the one good thing that comes from death: Death holds no prejudices and therefore, it affects everyone and (hopefully) brings the "survivors" together.

To the man I speak of, rest in peace wherever you are.

Misfit

Easily Moved

2009-07-27T20:36:00.005-05:00

I've come to find that I've been getting more and more girly as the summer has gone on. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've become more open about loving flowers, and animals, and cute things than I have been in the past lol. Even more so, I've been more relaxed about my reactions to certain things or people. Here's an example: I saw a bride and a photographer walk by while I was sitting in the student center yesterday. I was in the booth by the window and we smiled at each other as she walked by. She probably smiled because she's getting married. I smiled because I had no idea who she was but she looked absolutely lovely and it gave me warm fuzzies, he he. I hope I'm that radiant when I'm a bride.

And when I say "radiant," I'm talking about the smile, not the dress.

Misfit

Untitled: The Great Vague Title for Lazy People

2009-06-30T22:10:00.003-05:00

So yeah....it's been summer for a while now. I'm still in Searcy. I've been spent the majority of my summer in reflection on this past year and the semester to come and when I'm not doing that, I'm looking for a job. Not really anything in particular, just something I can get to and that will help me pay rent and keep me fed. I haven't had much luck with that. It's kinda hard to find anything when you don't have a car....I really wish this place had public transportation. Oh well.

Exciting things that have happened/are happening this summer:

1) I've been invited to 5 weddings: so far I've managed to go to 2, couldn't make it to the 3rd that was in Alabama, and tomorrow I leave for wedding #4 that will be in St. Louis (or somewhere around there anyway) with my friend Amber. I'm pretty stoked about that mostly because I've only been to St. Louis once before and it seems like a pretty cool place.

2) I've been expanding my musical education mostly in Japanese Rock and Pop music. Don't ask me about new music coming out here in the States: it all sounds the same to me really. I've been interesting in the world of the Orient since I was about ten-ish years old and I kinda took a break from it in jr high/highschool (the music part anyway) and then picked back up on it this past year. I love Japanese Rock music and all it's eccentricity! The only problem is that now American music (minus classic rock and oldies) sounds so boring now, haha. Which brings me to #3

3) So I'm graduating (FINALLY) in December. So what's going to happen in my post-college life? Well seeing as I'm graduating with a B.A. in English, I can see a few possible options:
1. Live with Mom and Dad for the rest of my life, taking care of them in their old age and writing tripped out short stories and poetry while working either in a library, gas station, or both.
2. Find some rich guy that's not picky about whom he marries and live off of his fortune until either one of us die.
3. Live in a van down by the river, selling shady goodies while having an obscene amount of cats.
4. Actually find a job that has something to do with my major even though our country's going through a recession-HA! Ahem, sorry couldn't say that with a straight face...
5. Go teach English in Asia.

Take a guess which one I'm actually considering. If you guessed 2, 3, or 4 = WRONG! Not that none of those are possible but still, no...just no. Number 1 is also incorrect: Mom, Dad, I love you but no. Maybe later on in life but not anytime soon. Moving on, I thought this might be as good a time as any to mention this on here (though I think I mentioned it in the past but I'm too lazy to dig through my archieves right now) since my older brother is on his way back to America from China after 4...5...6 years? Well it's been a plethora (man I love this word) of years. Either way, I've been researching different programs and speaking to various people I know have either been to somewhere in Asia, are in Asia, or have at least lived there a while. But I have reached a fork in the road unfortunately.

I'd absolutely love to go to Japan but it's kinda hard to get my foot in the door and I'd like to at least visit Japan first but the only possible way I could see that happening is if I went over there with Let's Start Talking like some of my friends did (though that's a little different than teaching in a school). On the other hand, I emailed some people at my university about going to China about a week or so and it was basically like someone let loose the flood gate: "Yes, go to China! Everyone should go to China! Email these people and they'll help you and they won't charge you for their services and the soonest you can go is Spring of next year!!"

It's not that I don't want to go to China, I think going to China would be amazing. But the question that's been running through my mind is this: Do I go ahead and decide on China or do I hold out for Japan?

....I don't know! This is too hard!!

Misfit

A very long, slightly mushy but 100% heart-felt post

2009-05-06T18:41:00.009-05:00

I'm afraid that I've found the answer I've been looking for. Sometimes when I really think about it, I'm not sure if I wanted to know the answer to the question "why?" because sometimes the answers hurt even more than the questions they come from.

Let me clarify: for the past month I've been miserable for several reasons most of which I blamed on school, stress, and myself. But even then, there was always this nagging feeling that would not go away. I even told my counselor that I didn't know what was going on but for some reason I always felt sad, scared, and frustrated along with other incredibly vague emotions lol. My counselor told me something that I haven't forgotten and have been thinking about since our last meeting: "Your thinking is just fine, I don't see anything wrong with the way your thoughts are being processed. However, what you really need to do is convince yourself that YOU are okay." My counselor and I have been talking about cognitive therapy (which is basically seeing how your thoughts affect everything from your physical health and your behavior) and I think that's it.

(cue pop reference) It's like that Sister Hazel song (which I LOOOOVE) called "Change Your Mind":

If you've had enough of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of losing battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind, change your mind.
Change your mind, change your mind.

It's easier said than done but it does work. When you stop worrying and think about things differently, things start to change. I also think that in this process I should also face my past so in that mindset - I would like to be very, very honest for a moment.

I'm not going to lie, I feel like the majority of this year has been a failure on my part. I haven't told a lot of people exactly what went on with me last semester, but I think it's important to say it now: I was suicidal last semester and I did hurt myself once. I've said that I've been at rock bottom before but never like this. I was trapped in a kind of emotional/mental darkness I never wish on anyone. And really it was all very selfish of me - I was miserable because I feel that I've been independent since I was five and was forced into that mind set from the start. Therefore, I've carried it with me my entire life. I truly believed that while some people were kind, in the end I would always be alone and therefore, I should only expect things from myself. With that said, this year was the first year I lived alone and for the majority of the semester, I've been forced to depend on the kindness and generosity of others which on one hand is wonderful but at the same time, it was more painful than going to bed hungry because I was/am so used to fending for myself. I somehow survived last semester and then was quickly thrown into this one.

This semester was overwhelming just by the fact that I was still recovering from the fall and more so just because of my senior seminar (which was less than spectacular) and the fact that I was suppose to graduate this semester and didn't (that just added to the frustration, regret, etc.) and mostly just a bunch of academic pressure mostly coming from myself. Again, I had to mostly rely on others lending me a hand with food and money and again, it frustrated me because I couldn't take care of myself and I felt that I couldn't repay the favor. I haven't hurt myself at all this semester or really been all that suicidal, I mostly just hated myself and wanted to disappear from existence because I feel like I was in everyone's way and was a waste of space.

This concludes that summary of my senior year of college and I have one thing to say to anyone reading this: I am so very sorry. Not because I feel bad for saying that I was a failure and a menance to everyone but because I believed it was true. I'm sorry for all the times that my friends said "I love you" and I just took it as if it were a comment on the weather. I'm sorry that I hurt myself and caused so many people to worry about me. I'm sorry that I wasted so many days wanting to die that I forgot about everyone who wanted me to live and share memories with them. I'm sorry that I treated my friends and family's love and affection like a common everyday thing that it wasn't and never said "I love you too" nearly enough times as I should have.

I regret many things that now that I think about them aren't worth regretting: the biggest one of these is grades....grades are my arch-nemesis. No I probably didn't do my absolute best in the past but despite what my grades are this semester and whether or not I failed anything - I still felt like I have given everything that I possibly could have given with the hand I've been dealt which may not have been much, but it was still my all. I feel content in saying that now.

But then there are other things that I find more important and that would bring more regret if I didn't give 100% in: Was I kind to those who were kind to me? Was I helpful to those who needed strength, wisdom, or just a listening ear? When I was angry, did I express my anger in a way that was constructive or destructive (both are very possible)? Did I help someone love his or herself more because of the love I showed them? Did I make someone's day better just by being there? Am I the person that I should and want to be? I want to do well in school even if "well" isn't As and Bs and I do want to graduate (someday) but when I really think about it, I'm more interested in what kind of person I am to myself and others than what a piece of paper tells me. In short, I think I'm realizing like truly realizing what my talents really are and that it is okay that they may or may not involve excelling in school.

I am happy now but I am also sad because a bunch of wonderful people will be leaving in two days and it might be a very long time before I see some of them again. I know that we will all see each other again someday, I take comfort in that. But I will admit that I do have a very selfish wish and I doubt I'm the only one: I wish we could all just stay together like we have been for the past few years here. I know that people come and go but for the first time, it bothers me. I don't want them to go. I'm scared of not seeing them everyday, not being able to bust up in their dorm rooms or apartments whenever we actually had time to goof off together, not hearing them yell my name across the student center or tackling me out of nowhere because they want a hug, not laughing about how many inside jokes we can have five minutes, or not being able to watch crazy japanese cartoons together and laugh at each other's reactions when our favorite character gets screen time lol. Things like that (that only make sense to certain groups of people) are things that I will miss the most. But all good things must come to an end right? And even though I don't quite fit in with most of the people in my department, I will stick to my English major roots and quote a great truth from one Alfred Lord Tennyson:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

I will miss you guys so very, very much even if you're not graduating just yet and I'm proud to call you my friends. I love you so much I think my heart might explode lol. But most of all I want to thank you for being who you all are and making me the luckiest, happiest misfit ever. And because I believe in broadening your horizons, I will do so in as many different languages that I know off the top of my head:

Merci beaucoup...Gracias...Danke...Grazie...Arigato gozaimasu...Xie-xie...and thank you very much.

Don't worry, I'll be okay now :)

Much Love,
Misfit

Am I as Awesome as I say I am? Yes. Yes I am.

2009-02-14T01:11:00.010-06:00

I've discovered something about myself since last weekend. I decidedly to let a few select friends into my psyche last weekend and in doing so I developed more respect for myself. I didn't really have a "bad" childhood but from what I do remember, it wasn't really good either. Like pretty much everyone ever born on planet Earth, I was harassed by the other kids because I was somewhat odd. And by somewhat I mean very. I'm pretty sure everyone was made fun of at some point which is why people make fun of each other in the first place (but don't tell anyone! It's supposed to be a secret >_>). I was never abused by my parents or anyone in my family, but I was verbally abused (physically abused once) and occasionally humiliated in front of my peers by my teachers...and this all happened before sixth grade. If you want the details, you can ask me in person and I'll gladly tell you. So I not only hated school, but I was terrified of going. School has never been a "safe" place for me growing up. I will confess now before God and everyone that, yes, there were a few times that I faked being sick (or tried to anyway) just so I wouldn't have to go because school scared me that much. Also, I'm pretty sure people began to think I was mute because I didn't speak at school all during sixth maybe even seventh grade. So yes, I never felt comfortable at school because of my classmates and my teachers and tried my best to make myself invisible for a long time. Telling my friends this I usually got the same reaction. It went something like this:

Me: Yeah...it's a miracle I've turned out as pleasant as I have, really.

Friend: It's a miracle that you don't hate people and the world!

At the time, I just laughed at those statements but then I started thinking more and more about what that last part meant. I don't think I actually outright hated the world or people, but there was a time that I started living life on the defense and would bully people until they eventually left me alone. I might be giving my younger self too much credit but in retrospect, I think I knew in the back of my mind that way I interacted with others wasn't what I wanted for myself or others. However, after years of harassment that was the only way I knew to stand up for myself. I think that's where bullies come from honestly. I could be wrong but that's just a theory. Well eventually I've become the more outgoing and (hopefully) friendlier person that I am now and this makes me wonder: what exactly made me change? I know the answer but it's one of those weird "it's more complicated than it sounds but on the other hand, it's not" things: I simply changed my mind.

Ya know that song from Wicked, "Defying Gravity?" If you don't you should go look it up on Youtube right now. Wonderful song. Anyway, there's a part in the song where the main character, Elpheba, says, "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." I think that's how I felt when I changed my mind. I was wounded by insensitive people and some invisible law said that when that happens, you're supposed to become bitter, hate everything, trust no one, etc. I knew this and yet I had to wonder, "Why...?" It's kinda like that part in the first Matrix movie (yay pop culture) when Neo learned to dodge bullets. Suddenly this controlled, set-in-stone world became see through and Neo saw things for what they actually were. It was like that (but not nearly as cool or actiony) for me at some point. I was miserable, but I didn't want to be miserable, but that invisible psyche law said that's the way it's supposed to be when you're "the walking wounded," and so I was frustrated because I didn't want to be miserable anymore! But then I changed my mind, deciding that I didn't want to be that way, that I wanted to have friends and like people. And suddenly I was punching Agent Smith in the face. Yay metaphors! So (holy crap, a point!) reflecting over all of that, I've come to a conclusion: I am amazing. I say this not with arrogance but awe of my own progess over time. I don't know about you, but I believe it takes a lot of guts (with a dash of insanity) to take a hit over and over and over throughout your life and then still have the courage to not only be yourself but to try to communicate and be kind to those who have been verbally beating the crap out of you. I'll say this - it's amazing the kinds of walls you break down when you just don't give a dang lol.

Now before my head gets too inflated, I will say that I do have several faults. For example, I'm sure my sarcasm has hurt a few feelings here and there. Most people thinks it's funny and I agree but not if it actually hurts people. That is never my intention or it never should be anyway. However, despite all my faults, I have been keeping with my newest philosophy: You should treat yourself like you would your bestfriend - You won't always like yourself, but you should always love yourself. I do love myself very much and I am excited about the person I have become/am becoming, for the most part.

On an ending note, for those of you who are wondering how I've been doing health-wise, I have made (what I think is) tremendous progress. I went to the doctor this week and was told that my thyroid gland is normal thanks to my medication. Also it has been decided that I will no longer have to take anti-depressants for my clinical depression. I am grateful for the good that the medicine did when I needed it but I am even more thankful that I no longer need them. I will instead be going to counseling from now on which I think will be much more beneficial. I don't think I'm back to 100% by any means. I am still feeling emotional/mentally tired from last semester, but the important thing is that I am moving forward. Even if it's only one step at a time, progress is progress right?

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day. For my friends who are dating/engaged/married, I love you guys and I'm glad that you (hopefully) love each other. For my single friends, do not despair. Whether it's your family, your friends, me, Jesus, or all the above, you are loved by someone! No one should feel unloved on Valentine's Day, even if it is a now highly commercialized, corporate holiday lol.

With Hugs of Supreme Happiness,
Misfit

The Joys of Air Travel

2008-11-29T21:19:00.005-06:00

I don't care for flying for several reasons:

1) You have to get to the airport really freakin' early and then wait forever.

2) The ridiculous lengths I have to go through (depending on what city I'm in) to prove I'm not a terrorist and I'm really wearing this interesting beanie on my head because I have nappy hair. Not because I'm secretly hiding weapons of mass destruction. On my somewhat large head.

3) Turbulence is from Satan *gets motion sickness just thinking about it*

However, there are two things I like about flying:

1) When you are going to different regions of the country, you hear a colorful variety of accents. Example:

The announcer person in Detriot: Attintion oll passengeers, floits (insert random numbers here) 'ave ben mooved teh (more random gate thingies), ya know. *same type of announcement is repeated in Japanese, Chinese, and some other language that sounds not American or Spanish*

in Georgia: Attention awl passengurs, flaights (see above) have bin moved tyou (etc.), thank yoo!
*repeated in Spanish*

Me: *brain explodes*

2) People watching is a great past time for waiting on a delayed flight. The bigger the airport the wider the variety.

General Examples: Families with small children (children are either quiet and zoned out 80% of the time or they're extremely loud and whining about how bored they are), Asian Businessmen, Asian Tourists, American Tourists, College Students (can usually be identified by school merchandise and/or iPod headphones forever welded into their ears), Women with small dogs, Black women with enough bling to set off security check points in China, Confused Foreigners, and (the holiday classic) Large family groups that will not only annoy half of the people in the concourse by trying to find their connecting flight but also make you never want to a) get married or b) have children (there is also a great possibility that they will end up killing each other before they find the freakin' connecting flight anyway)

But every so often, you come across the not so delightful, "colorful" folk. I remember three distinct episodes during my Thanksgiving travels.

The first was the older lady that complained about everything and her almost mute husband that was kinda sorta there but not really. They were on my flight from Cinncinati to Detroit and I'm pretty sure that it was impossible that there were terrorists on that flight (that or they were the worst terrorists ever) because frankly if there were any - this woman would've been the first to die. She complained when we all got onto the plane about how cramped and crowded it was. Then she complained when they announced that refreshments would NOT be served because the flight was only thirty minutes (which she also complained about...apparently a thirty minute flight was just too unbearable.) And of course the entire time, her husband sat next to her, reading some book. I seriously forgot he was over there until we all got up to leave the plane (which of course the woman complained about).

The second and third episodes happened about five minutes apart as I was waiting in Atlanta airport to fly back to Little Rock. First this scary crack-Barbie looking lady comes out of nowhere and starts yelling about her stuff missing (right after they made a security annoucement about NOT living your stuff unattended. lawl.) and proceeded to make a scene and make everyone at our gate feel very awkward. I was pretty zoned out thanks to having a cold and jet lag but even I couldn't ignore the woman (and her frightening eye make up *shutter* ). Eventually the woman rushed up next to me and just about throws my coat onto the floor as she is still looking for her stuff. Seeing that her stuff is not there, she proceeds to cuss very loudly despite the fact that there are small infants right in front of her....that's a big no-no in my book but I won't go into that. I'm just glad she didn't touch my laptop bag cuz I would seriously bite off her fingers and spit her fake, claw-like nails into her eyes....ahem.

So after that episode (about five or ten-ish minutes later), this other woman (looked somewhere around her early thirties) sits down next to me and randomly starts talking to me. This usually doesn't bother me, but what started out as a somewhat normal (maybe) conversation suddenly became VERY awkward...like Twilight Zone/Jerry Springer awkward. Observe:

Woman: *sees me looking at my boarding pass* so....going back to Little Rock?

Me: ....yes. (thinking: actually most EVERYONE at this gate is going to Little Rock.)

Woman: so is that home for you or what?

Me: no...I just go to school there.

Woman: oh.

(about five seconds after a long pause)

Woman: Ya know that family over there is probably staring at me because I'm benge eating... (me: ....?) No really, I am. But I'm bulimic so it's all good!

Me: ................................................................. (thinking: what. the crap.)

Thankfully my flight started to board not too long after that. Seriously though...what is up with people in Atlanta?! (and how do they find me?! o_0) Moral of the story: Don't talk to strangers and if they force you into an awkward conversation - tell them you don't speak English...in English. This will confuse them long enough to where you can make your escape. If this tactic fails, either fake a demon possession or call Chuck Norris.

Misfit

Man, I wish I was born in October...

2008-10-04T15:35:00.003-05:00

Because if I was, I'd totally have a Halloween birthday party! Bwahahaha! Yeah I love Halloween, it appeals to my more mischievous side I'm afraid. That and I've loved Tim Burton movies since I was five (yes I was a strange child). There's just something so charming about the world of dark romance. Now I'm not talking about crazy, cult gothic type of dark nor the whole biting off the heads of bats....yes I'm talking to YOU, Ozzie Osborne. That stuff is just weird in a not good way. I have to admit, I find scaring people to be very funny. Now scaring them into emotional trauma, that's not cool at all and anyone that goes that far needs help (or, as David Spates says, "I need Jesus...") I also like being scared to an extent. In my mind, if a movie/play can scare me w/o senseless violence or scarring me for life - that alone makes it a decent movie (other factors could change this of course but oh well)

Anyway I say all that to finally get to the point (fanfare!): I love Halloween. I don't go out trick or treating like I did when I was younger just because I think it'd would be a little creepy for the people handing out candy lol. But hey if you want to trick or treat until you're 80, be my guest. I usually just celebrate by eating Halloween candy, maybe dressing up, and watching a scary movie with all the lights off. Usually I make a tradition of watching Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas every year, but unfortunately my cousin "borrowed" my dvd and I've never seen it since...pretty sure she sold it for drug money or something like that. Sigh....

Anyhoo, I know a few people that believe Halloween to be a Satanic holiday. I humbly disagree (and my dad is probably rolling his eyes right about now lol) but I was curious as to why they might believe this to be true. So did some research (dun dun DUN). I figured wikipedia might be a little shady so I decided to put my faith in www.history.com (surely a website that claims to report historical items would be ligit). According to the great people of the History Channel, Halloween originates from a Celtic ritual (known as Samhain) that dates back to 2000+ years ago celebrated in what is now Ireland, Great Britain, and northern France. Samhain was celebrated the night before the Celts' New Year (November 1st) which signified the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark winter (also associated with death). Here's a summary of what actually happened during the ceremony:

"On the night of October 31, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter. Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, the Celts wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other's fortunes. When the celebration was over, they re-lit their hearth fires, which they had extinguished earlier that evening, from the sacred bonfire to help protect them during the coming winter." (quoted from www.history.com)

Okay, I can see where people get off saying that Halloween is a Satanic holiday. Pagan? Yes. Satanic? mmm, I think that might be pushing it honestly. I mean the Celts weren't Christians and didn't even know about Christianity until the 800s (also found this on history.com) so they really didn't know any better at the time . Now I am not condoning burning sacrifices or divination by any means. I'm not even going to touch that subject actually. I'm just saying you don't have to like Halloween but maybe take a different perspective on the matter. Either way, I'm all for it. It's fun as long as people don't take it too far.

Man I want some candy corn...

Misfit

Loose Cannon Rant

2008-09-21T11:27:00.003-05:00

Ok so I finally got to move into my apartment. My friends that live nearby have been very generous and have been helping me out a lot. I thought I should start off this rant on a good note. So there is. Now for the bad. Someone stole my money. Someone stole my freakin' LAUNDRY money dang it! I realize that it was only 2 or 3 dollars worth of quarters but still. I don't have a job yet and I don't have very much money so every cent counts!

Anyway here's what happened: I was doing laundry yesterday at the laundrymat over by the married/boy apartments (the brown ones with the big letters on them) and I was coming back with my friend Kristen to put my clothes in the dryer. I put the finished load into the dryer and pull my sack of quarters of my hamper (that I had left there btw) and put a quarter into the machine. Well I didn't want to take the money back with me because 1) I was wearing my sweatpants and my pockets were already full (and pulling my pants down) and 2) I was sure that if I took it back with me to the apartment, I'd put them down somewhere and forget to take them back with me thus making me walk all the way back blah blah blah. So I put the sack of quarters back into my hamper and tucked it under my box of fabric softener so it would just be sitting there in broadsight. I come back sometime later and my money was gone. There was no one around so I couldn't ask around to see if anyone saw anything.

I called Kristen (who was back at her apartment at this point) and asked her is she saw me take the money back with me (yes I am that absent minded...) and she say that she thought she saw me put the money back in my hamper. It was at this point that I was extremely hacked. Well I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I go back to my apartment and look around to see if I really did bring it back by mistake. Conclusion: No. I did in fact leave it where I thought I had earlier and someone took it! Now I was really, REALLY mad. Fortunately Kristen was kind enough to lend me some more money so I could finish drying my clothes.

Ok people, it's soapbox time. I do realize that despite all the signs on that place saying that it's only for students and faculty, anyone could have walked in off the street. If that was the case, he/she has issues. If it was a student...well if this is a habit of yours, I hope you get caught. Not just because I'm hacked off at you but maybe when you finally get caught in the act, you'll realize what you're doing is WRONG. I usually don't play this card because I feel that it's a tad bit self-righteous but I think it's appropriate for this situation: I go to a Christian school and yet I can't trust anyone not to go through my things and take something. It wasn't like I just put the money on a table with a giant lit sign saying "PLEASE TAKE THIS!" Yes, it wasn't very much money but it's the principle of the situation. I don't care how lazy or broke or whatever you are, taking something that is not yours is not only wrong, it's rude and selfish!

*insert exhale here*

Okay...I'm done now.

Misfit

Memoirs of a Nomad

2008-09-08T17:55:00.004-05:00

For those of you who are STILL wondering about my living situation...here's the latest update:

I was supposed to....*SOB*....ahem...supposed to move into my apartment tomorrow. However, I got yet another email from the powers that be/the people who have control over housing.

Actually here's the entire story for those of you who have no idea what's going on:

Ok so I was originally planned to move into my apartment the first weekend of the school year. However, the girl who lives next to me had her apartment flooded via broken water heater. So her apartment was ruined and the people who were next door, cleaning my apartment, left the door open. So the girl (who shall now be known as Mystery Girl B) saw the empty apartment and decided to just move in without telling anyone. Random note: Mystery Girl B, if you just happen to be reading this....I realize that having your apartment flooded is definately NOT cool but why? WHYYYY did you do that?! ok random note over. Well I was under the impression that they (the higher powers) told the girl to go somewhere else until her place was fixed but apparently she's been there this entire time....*eye twitch* Also, she's been using the energy and utilities that was already in my family's name. *more eye twitch* Anyway, so the flooding damaged the wall that our two apartments share so the maintinance peoples have been working on fixing that. *fasts forward back to the present* I was supposed to move in tomorrow. I get an email saying that the fixing of the wall is taking longer than expected and that it'll might be Friday before it's fixed. Fortunately, they've arranged for me to live in the Heritage Hotel until the 15th so that made me feel a little better.

So the first week of school, I lived in my house. The second week of school, I lived on the floors and/or couches of my friends in the mighty fortress of Shores. This week, I'll be in the luxurious house 'o Heritage. Next week, who knows...I could be sleeping the Benson balcony or under the bleachers of the football field. Either way, comrades, this nomad's journey isn't over yet.

Scene: Misfit dons a samurai outfit and slowly (but surely) rides off into the sunset on the back of a giant panda, hair blowing in a non-existent wind filled with cherry blossoms as dramatic music that's probably been stolen from some Jet Li film plays in the background.

*DBZ music burst forth from nowhere* Will our heroine ever find a place of her own or will she be forced to wander in solitude the rest of her days? Stay tuned!

Samurai Misfit

School, The Weather, and Other Random Updates

2008-09-02T14:41:00.004-05:00

Hey everybody. It's the second week of school (for me anyway). The first week was suspiciously easy-going...so now I'm just waiting for an explosion of stress to come like a thief in the night. I'm a fifth year senior. I know it's coming...

Anyway, my parents quit their jobs and are now in Michigan looking at more houses. Meanwhile, I'm here, living off the couches of my generous dorm friends. No, I'm not moved into my apartment (for those of you who somehow didn't see the previous sentence). I have to wait until their done fixing it up...so about a week or so I guess.

Really random note: the spellchecker on Fire Fox is trying to tell me that "didn't" is not a word. Last time I checked, "didn't" was a contraction (the formation of a new word from one or more individual words) that stands for "did not." First they say Pluto isn't (oh look another contraction) a planet and now this. What's this world coming to? What's next? Is the History Channel suddenly going to decide that Aristotle wasn't a philosopher?? Pfft. Pfft I say!

Anyhoo, school is going pretty well so far. French is (for me) a lot less heart attack inducing than Spanish was. Also, I'm finally in a Bible class I enjoy (Pentateuch was ok - my friends were in it and Dr. Manor was hilarious). And for the coup d’état (ooo fancy!): my new laptop finally made a peace treaty with the wireless on campus (insert much rejoicing here).

Ok now for the weather: RAIN. Why? Probably because of Hurricane Gustav, but this is Arkansas so who knows where it came from/where it's going/how long it's staying/when it's coming back.

Etc.: I have added yet another ingenious t-shirt to my collection!

More Etc.: I'm still looking for a job...that's not Aramark.

Bit o' Wisdom for the Day: "Do not want others to know what you have done? Better not have done it anyways." ~ Chinese Proverb

Misfit

I'M MOVING INTO MY OWN APARTMENT!! YAAAAY!!!

2008-08-12T17:06:00.003-05:00

As you can see, I'm a little stoked lol. So here's the lo-down for people who have no idea what my situation is. (Cue long story in 3..2..1!)

Ok so my parents have been wanting to move out of Arkansas for a while (can't blame them) there was talk of going back to Florida, which I didn't mind at all, but then my dad says that we wants to go back to his old stomping ground: Michigan. Again, I wasn't apposed to this either. So I came to terms with that fact that we were ~~FINALLY GETTING OUT OF THIS CRAP TOWN!~~ moving. Not to mention that I was totally supportive lol. Anyway, so my parents took a week off and ventured up to the great white north to check things out while I stayed here to hold down the fort. So they come back, tell me about the town and that Dad had found a job opportunity.

*fast forwards*

So I found out yesterday that things are in full swing since my dad was waiting for a phone call from his potential boss today saying he was hired. So I was feeling a little overwhelmed because now this meant that I would need a place to live and that I would have to repack my room and do it all before school started. So I was a little (VERY) stressed yesterday. However, my mom contacted my school's housing people and found that there were two senior rooms still open, which was miraculous actually. Of course the rooms are expensive (which is why I moved home in the first place), but she also found out that they have apartments for rent. So I went to go check those out and they're not the senior dorms but for one person, they're nice and cozy.

So today, my dad got the phone call and BAM he's hired! So it's officially official! Fortunately, I don't have to actually move into the apartment until after the first week of school so I still have time to get ready. I'm very very excited about being on my own (but still being close to campus without having a curfew bwahahahaha!).

....YAY *happy dance*

Misfit

Time For A Change

2008-08-11T03:25:00.007-05:00

So it's about 3:30 AM...can't sleep (shocker) so I decided to just think out some things that have been on my mind. I've decided that it's time to let go of my high school nickname because I feel that I'm in an interesting place in life. I'm definitely not a child anymore nor am I the same person I was in high school (I seriously hope not anyway.) On the other hand, I don't feel like I'm an adult and honestly, I don't want to be an adult yet. I guess I should specify what I mean by that. Nah, I'll save it for the next post.

I've reflected on everything that's happened in my life up until now and I have reached one conclusion: there has been one constant in my life that has never slipped my mind. I have always, always felt like the misfit no matter where I was or how old I was. Even when I wasn't trying, I've just always felt different from those around me. Honestly, I don't think that's such a bad thing anymore. While I feel like a misfit, I still have cool friends and family who care for me. If people don't like me then if I can do something about it, I might and if I can't, then I'll survive. I don't really know how to explain it. Either way, I have put my high school alias behind me and adopted a new name that I feel has always described me and probably always will. I don't try to be (not as much now that I'm older) but somehow I'm just different. Now "misfit" in its traditional definition sounds negative but honestly "oddity" "rebel" or even "unique" either sound too weird, too incorrect or too sugarcoated lol.

Dictionary.com defines "misfit" (in the noun form) as "One who is unable to adjust to one's environment or circumstances or is considered to be disturbingly different from others." Some may be insulted to be defined as such but if someone described me that way, I'd probably just laugh and thank them. I'm not trying to brag about being weird or better than my peers in any way. (In the words of Popeye...)I am what I am.

So yeah I changed the name of my blog to signify a new (and yet not?) stage in my life but didn't go through the trouble of changing addresses because that's just too much trouble honestly. There are other things that have been on my mind but I think that's enough for today. I guess I have to start signing my posts differently now....hmmm.

Misfit

EDIT - Ok I totally lied about the changing address lol. I didn't know you could actually do that without starting a brand new blog but apparently you can. Schweet. Same blog, different address.