M is for Misfit

So yeah....it's been summer for a while now. I'm still in Searcy. I've been spent the majority of my summer in reflection on this past year and the semester to come and when I'm not doing that, I'm looking for a job. Not really anything in particular, just something I can get to and that will help me pay rent and keep me fed. I haven't had much luck with that. It's kinda hard to find anything when you don't have a car....I really wish this place had public transportation. Oh well.

Exciting things that have happened/are happening this summer:

1) I've been invited to 5 weddings: so far I've managed to go to 2, couldn't make it to the 3rd that was in Alabama, and tomorrow I leave for wedding #4 that will be in St. Louis (or somewhere around there anyway) with my friend Amber. I'm pretty stoked about that mostly because I've only been to St. Louis once before and it seems like a pretty cool place.

2) I've been expanding my musical education mostly in Japanese Rock and Pop music. Don't ask me about new music coming out here in the States: it all sounds the same to me really. I've been interesting in the world of the Orient since I was about ten-ish years old and I kinda took a break from it in jr high/highschool (the music part anyway) and then picked back up on it this past year. I love Japanese Rock music and all it's eccentricity! The only problem is that now American music (minus classic rock and oldies) sounds so boring now, haha. Which brings me to #3

3) So I'm graduating (FINALLY) in December. So what's going to happen in my post-college life? Well seeing as I'm graduating with a B.A. in English, I can see a few possible options:
1. Live with Mom and Dad for the rest of my life, taking care of them in their old age and writing tripped out short stories and poetry while working either in a library, gas station, or both.
2. Find some rich guy that's not picky about whom he marries and live off of his fortune until either one of us die.
3. Live in a van down by the river, selling shady goodies while having an obscene amount of cats.
4. Actually find a job that has something to do with my major even though our country's going through a recession-HA! Ahem, sorry couldn't say that with a straight face...
5. Go teach English in Asia.

Take a guess which one I'm actually considering. If you guessed 2, 3, or 4 = WRONG! Not that none of those are possible but still, no...just no. Number 1 is also incorrect: Mom, Dad, I love you but no. Maybe later on in life but not anytime soon. Moving on, I thought this might be as good a time as any to mention this on here (though I think I mentioned it in the past but I'm too lazy to dig through my archieves right now) since my older brother is on his way back to America from China after 4...5...6 years? Well it's been a plethora (man I love this word) of years. Either way, I've been researching different programs and speaking to various people I know have either been to somewhere in Asia, are in Asia, or have at least lived there a while. But I have reached a fork in the road unfortunately.

I'd absolutely love to go to Japan but it's kinda hard to get my foot in the door and I'd like to at least visit Japan first but the only possible way I could see that happening is if I went over there with Let's Start Talking like some of my friends did (though that's a little different than teaching in a school). On the other hand, I emailed some people at my university about going to China about a week or so and it was basically like someone let loose the flood gate: "Yes, go to China! Everyone should go to China! Email these people and they'll help you and they won't charge you for their services and the soonest you can go is Spring of next year!!"

It's not that I don't want to go to China, I think going to China would be amazing. But the question that's been running through my mind is this: Do I go ahead and decide on China or do I hold out for Japan?

....I don't know! This is too hard!!

M

I'm afraid that I've found the answer I've been looking for. Sometimes when I really think about it, I'm not sure if I wanted to know the answer to the question "why?" because sometimes the answers hurt even more than the questions they come from.

Let me clarify: for the past month I've been miserable for several reasons most of which I blamed on school, stress, and myself. But even then, there was always this nagging feeling that would not go away. I even told my counselor that I didn't know what was going on but for some reason I always felt sad, scared, and frustrated along with other incredibly vague emotions lol. My counselor told me something that I haven't forgotten and have been thinking about since our last meeting: "Your thinking is just fine, I don't see anything wrong with the way your thoughts are being processed. However, what you really need to do is convince yourself that YOU are okay." My counselor and I have been talking about cognitive therapy (which is basically seeing how your thoughts affect everything from your physical health and your behavior) and I think that's it.

(cue pop reference) It's like that Sister Hazel song (which I LOOOOVE) called "Change Your Mind":

If you've had enough of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of losing battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind, change your mind.
Change your mind, change your mind.

It's easier said than done but it does work. When you stop worrying and think about things differently, things start to change. I also think that in this process I should also face my past so in that mindset - I would like to be very, very honest for a moment.

I'm not going to lie, I feel like the majority of this year has been a failure on my part. I haven't told a lot of people exactly what went on with me last semester, but I think it's important to say it now: I was suicidal last semester and I did hurt myself once. I've said that I've been at rock bottom before but never like this. I was trapped in a kind of emotional/mental darkness I never wish on anyone. And really it was all very selfish of me - I was miserable because I feel that I've been independent since I was five and was forced into that mind set from the start. Therefore, I've carried it with me my entire life. I truly believed that while some people were kind, in the end I would always be alone and therefore, I should only expect things from myself. With that said, this year was the first year I lived alone and for the majority of the semester, I've been forced to depend on the kindness and generosity of others which on one hand is wonderful but at the same time, it was more painful than going to bed hungry because I was/am so used to fending for myself. I somehow survived last semester and then was quickly thrown into this one.

This semester was overwhelming just by the fact that I was still recovering from the fall and more so just because of my senior seminar (which was less than spectacular) and the fact that I was suppose to graduate this semester and didn't (that just added to the frustration, regret, etc.) and mostly just a bunch of academic pressure mostly coming from myself. Again, I had to mostly rely on others lending me a hand with food and money and again, it frustrated me because I couldn't take care of myself and I felt that I couldn't repay the favor. I haven't hurt myself at all this semester or really been all that suicidal, I mostly just hated myself and wanted to disappear from existence because I feel like I was in everyone's way and was a waste of space.

This concludes that summary of my senior year of college and I have one thing to say to anyone reading this: I am so very sorry. Not because I feel bad for saying that I was a failure and a menance to everyone but because I believed it was true. I'm sorry for all the times that my friends said "I love you" and I just took it as if it were a comment on the weather. I'm sorry that I hurt myself and caused so many people to worry about me. I'm sorry that I wasted so many days wanting to die that I forgot about everyone who wanted me to live and share memories with them. I'm sorry that I treated my friends and family's love and affection like a common everyday thing that it wasn't and never said "I love you too" nearly enough times as I should have.

I regret many things that now that I think about them aren't worth regretting: the biggest one of these is grades....grades are my arch-nemesis. No I probably didn't do my absolute best in the past but despite what my grades are this semester and whether or not I failed anything - I still felt like I have given everything that I possibly could have given with the hand I've been dealt which may not have been much, but it was still my all. I feel content in saying that now.

But then there are other things that I find more important and that would bring more regret if I didn't give 100% in: Was I kind to those who were kind to me? Was I helpful to those who needed strength, wisdom, or just a listening ear? When I was angry, did I express my anger in a way that was constructive or destructive (both are very possible)? Did I help someone love his or herself more because of the love I showed them? Did I make someone's day better just by being there? Am I the person that I should and want to be? I want to do well in school even if "well" isn't As and Bs and I do want to graduate (someday) but when I really think about it, I'm more interested in what kind of person I am to myself and others than what a piece of paper tells me. In short, I think I'm realizing like truly realizing what my talents really are and that it is okay that they may or may not involve excelling in school.

I am happy now but I am also sad because a bunch of wonderful people will be leaving in two days and it might be a very long time before I see some of them again. I know that we will all see each other again someday, I take comfort in that. But I will admit that I do have a very selfish wish and I doubt I'm the only one: I wish we could all just stay together like we have been for the past few years here. I know that people come and go but for the first time, it bothers me. I don't want them to go. I'm scared of not seeing them everyday, not being able to bust up in their dorm rooms or apartments whenever we actually had time to goof off together, not hearing them yell my name across the student center or tackling me out of nowhere because they want a hug, not laughing about how many inside jokes we can have five minutes, or not being able to watch crazy japanese cartoons together and laugh at each other's reactions when our favorite character gets screen time lol. Things like that (that only make sense to certain groups of people) are things that I will miss the most. But all good things must come to an end right? And even though I don't quite fit in with most of the people in my department, I will stick to my English major roots and quote a great truth from one Alfred Lord Tennyson:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

I will miss you guys so very, very much even if you're not graduating just yet and I'm proud to call you my friends. I love you so much I think my heart might explode lol. But most of all I want to thank you for being who you all are and making me the luckiest, happiest misfit ever. And because I believe in broadening your horizons, I will do so in as many different languages that I know off the top of my head:

Merci beaucoup...Gracias...Danke...Grazie...Arigato gozaimasu...Xie-xie...and thank you very much.

Don't worry, I'll be okay now :)

Much Love,
M

I've discovered something about myself since last weekend. I decidedly to let a few select friends into my psyche last weekend and in doing so I developed more respect for myself. I didn't really have a "bad" childhood but from what I do remember, it wasn't really good either. Like pretty much everyone ever born on planet Earth, I was harassed by the other kids because I was somewhat odd. And by somewhat I mean very. I'm pretty sure everyone was made fun of at some point which is why people make fun of each other in the first place (but don't tell anyone! It's supposed to be a secret >_>). I was never abused by my parents or anyone in my family, but I was verbally abused (physically abused once) and occasionally humiliated in front of my peers by my teachers...and this all happened before sixth grade. If you want the details, you can ask me in person and I'll gladly tell you. So I not only hated school, but I was terrified of going. School has never been a "safe" place for me growing up. I will confess now before God and everyone that, yes, there were a few times that I faked being sick (or tried to anyway) just so I wouldn't have to go because school scared me that much. Also, I'm pretty sure people began to think I was mute because I didn't speak at school all during sixth maybe even seventh grade. So yes, I never felt comfortable at school because of my classmates and my teachers and tried my best to make myself invisible for a long time. Telling my friends this I usually got the same reaction. It went something like this:

Me: Yeah...it's a miracle I've turned out as pleasant as I have, really.

Friend: It's a miracle that you don't hate people and the world!

At the time, I just laughed at those statements but then I started thinking more and more about what that last part meant. I don't think I actually outright hated the world or people, but there was a time that I started living life on the defense and would bully people until they eventually left me alone. I might be giving my younger self too much credit but in retrospect, I think I knew in the back of my mind that way I interacted with others wasn't what I wanted for myself or others. However, after years of harassment that was the only way I knew to stand up for myself. I think that's where bullies come from honestly. I could be wrong but that's just a theory. Well eventually I've become the more outgoing and (hopefully) friendlier person that I am now and this makes me wonder: what exactly made me change? I know the answer but it's one of those weird "it's more complicated than it sounds but on the other hand, it's not" things: I simply changed my mind.

Ya know that song from Wicked, "Defying Gravity?" If you don't you should go look it up on Youtube right now. Wonderful song. Anyway, there's a part in the song where the main character, Elpheba, says, "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." I think that's how I felt when I changed my mind. I was wounded by insensitive people and some invisible law said that when that happens, you're supposed to become bitter, hate everything, trust no one, etc. I knew this and yet I had to wonder, "Why...?" It's kinda like that part in the first Matrix movie (yay pop culture) when Neo learned to dodge bullets. Suddenly this controlled, set-in-stone world became see through and Neo saw things for what they actually were. It was like that (but not nearly as cool or actiony) for me at some point. I was miserable, but I didn't want to be miserable, but that invisible psyche law said that's the way it's supposed to be when you're "the walking wounded," and so I was frustrated because I didn't want to be miserable anymore! But then I changed my mind, deciding that I didn't want to be that way, that I wanted to have friends and like people. And suddenly I was punching Agent Smith in the face. Yay metaphors! So (holy crap, a point!) reflecting over all of that, I've come to a conclusion: I am amazing. I say this not with arrogance but awe of my own progess over time. I don't know about you, but I believe it takes a lot of guts (with a dash of insanity) to take a hit over and over and over throughout your life and then still have the courage to not only be yourself but to try to communicate and be kind to those who have been verbally beating the crap out of you. I'll say this - it's amazing the kinds of walls you break down when you just don't give a dang lol.

Now before my head gets too inflated, I will say that I do have several faults. For example, I'm sure my sarcasm has hurt a few feelings here and there. Most people thinks it's funny and I agree but not if it actually hurts people. That is never my intention or it never should be anyway. However, despite all my faults, I have been keeping with my newest philosophy: You should treat yourself like you would your bestfriend - You won't always like yourself, but you should always love yourself. I do love myself very much and I am excited about the person I have become/am becoming, for the most part.

On an ending note, for those of you who are wondering how I've been doing health-wise, I have made (what I think is) tremendous progress. I went to the doctor this week and was told that my thyroid gland is normal thanks to my medication. Also it has been decided that I will no longer have to take anti-depressants for my clinical depression. I am grateful for the good that the medicine did when I needed it but I am even more thankful that I no longer need them. I will instead be going to counseling from now on which I think will be much more beneficial. I don't think I'm back to 100% by any means. I am still feeling emotional/mentally tired from last semester, but the important thing is that I am moving forward. Even if it's only one step at a time, progress is progress right?

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day. For my friends who are dating/engaged/married, I love you guys and I'm glad that you (hopefully) love each other. For my single friends, do not despair. Whether it's your family, your friends, me, Jesus, or all the above, you are loved by someone! No one should feel unloved on Valentine's Day, even if it is a now highly commercialized, corporate holiday lol.

With Hugs of Supreme Happiness,
M

I don't care for flying for several reasons:

1) You have to get to the airport really freakin' early and then wait forever.

2) The ridiculous lengths I have to go through (depending on what city I'm in) to prove I'm not a terrorist and I'm really wearing this interesting beanie on my head because I have nappy hair. Not because I'm secretly hiding weapons of mass destruction. On my somewhat large head.

3) Turbulence is from Satan *gets motion sickness just thinking about it*


However, there are two things I like about flying:

1) When you are going to different regions of the country, you hear a colorful variety of accents. Example:

The announcer person in Detriot: Attintion oll passengeers, floits (insert random numbers here) 'ave ben mooved teh (more random gate thingies), ya know. *same type of announcement is repeated in Japanese, Chinese, and some other language that sounds not American or Spanish*

in Georgia: Attention awl passengurs, flaights (see above) have bin moved tyou (etc.), thank yoo!
*repeated in Spanish*

Me: *brain explodes*


2) People watching is a great past time for waiting on a delayed flight. The bigger the airport the wider the variety.

General Examples: Families with small children (children are either quiet and zoned out 80% of the time or they're extremely loud and whining about how bored they are), Asian Businessmen, Asian Tourists, American Tourists, College Students (can usually be identified by school merchandise and/or iPod headphones forever welded into their ears), Women with small dogs, Black women with enough bling to set off security check points in China, Confused Foreigners, and (the holiday classic) Large family groups that will not only annoy half of the people in the concourse by trying to find their connecting flight but also make you never want to a) get married or b) have children (there is also a great possibility that they will end up killing each other before they find the freakin' connecting flight anyway)

But every so often, you come across the not so delightful, "colorful" folk. I remember three distinct episodes during my Thanksgiving travels.

The first was the older lady that complained about everything and her almost mute husband that was kinda sorta there but not really. They were on my flight from Cinncinati to Detroit and I'm pretty sure that it was impossible that there were terrorists on that flight (that or they were the worst terrorists ever) because frankly if there were any - this woman would've been the first to die. She complained when we all got onto the plane about how cramped and crowded it was. Then she complained when they announced that refreshments would NOT be served because the flight was only thirty minutes (which she also complained about...apparently a thirty minute flight was just too unbearable.) And of course the entire time, her husband sat next to her, reading some book. I seriously forgot he was over there until we all got up to leave the plane (which of course the woman complained about).

The second and third episodes happened about five minutes apart as I was waiting in Atlanta airport to fly back to Little Rock. First this scary crack-Barbie looking lady comes out of nowhere and starts yelling about her stuff missing (right after they made a security annoucement about NOT living your stuff unattended. lawl.) and proceeded to make a scene and make everyone at our gate feel very awkward. I was pretty zoned out thanks to having a cold and jet lag but even I couldn't ignore the woman (and her frightening eye make up *shutter* ). Eventually the woman rushed up next to me and just about throws my coat onto the floor as she is still looking for her stuff. Seeing that her stuff is not there, she proceeds to cuss very loudly despite the fact that there are small infants right in front of her....that's a big no-no in my book but I won't go into that. I'm just glad she didn't touch my laptop bag cuz I would seriously bite off her fingers and spit her fake, claw-like nails into her eyes....ahem.

So after that episode (about five or ten-ish minutes later), this other woman (looked somewhere around her early thirties) sits down next to me and randomly starts talking to me. This usually doesn't bother me, but what started out as a somewhat normal (maybe) conversation suddenly became VERY awkward...like Twilight Zone/Jerry Springer awkward. Observe:

Woman: *sees me looking at my boarding pass* so....going back to Little Rock?

Me: ....yes. (thinking: actually most EVERYONE at this gate is going to Little Rock.)

Woman: so is that home for you or what?

Me: no...I just go to school there.

Woman: oh.

(about five seconds after a long pause)

Woman: Ya know that family over there is probably staring at me because I'm benge eating... (me: ....?) No really, I am. But I'm belimic so it's all good!

Me: ................................................................. (thinking: what. the crap.)

Thankfully my flight started to board not too long after that. Seriously though...what is up with people in Atlanta?! (and how do they find me?! o_0) Moral of the story: Don't talk to strangers and if they force you into an awkward conversation - tell them you don't speak English...in English. This will confuse them long enough to where you can make your escape. If this tactic fails, either fake a demon possession or call Chuck Norris.

M

I think I understand now why my life has been the way it has this year.

Summary of my semester: I was homeless for the first three weeks of the semester (that was fun...), I had all of my laundry money stolen from me, and I've been searching for what seems FOREVER for a job with absolutely no luck therefore I've been living off with food and money my parents and friends have given me. All in all, this has probably been my hardest semester yet.

But after thinking it all over for a while, I've come to the conclusion that I don't regret any of it. I have learned and experienced things that some of my peers won't experience for a while and I am thankful because I have learned to not take things for granted. I'm sorry for ranting so much about....well...everything. I should probably stop ranting so much.

I would make this one of those long, deep, philosophical posts but I'm honestly too tired. That and it's a long weekend so I want to enjoy it while it lasts.