Am I as Awesome as I say I am? Yes. Yes I am.

I've discovered something about myself since last weekend. I decidedly to let a few select friends into my psyche last weekend and in doing so I developed more respect for myself. I didn't really have a "bad" childhood but from what I do remember, it wasn't really good either. Like pretty much everyone ever born on planet Earth, I was harassed by the other kids because I was somewhat odd. And by somewhat I mean very. I'm pretty sure everyone was made fun of at some point which is why people make fun of each other in the first place (but don't tell anyone! It's supposed to be a secret >_>). I was never abused by my parents or anyone in my family, but I was verbally abused (physically abused once) and occasionally humiliated in front of my peers by my teachers...and this all happened before sixth grade. If you want the details, you can ask me in person and I'll gladly tell you. So I not only hated school, but I was terrified of going. School has never been a "safe" place for me growing up. I will confess now before God and everyone that, yes, there were a few times that I faked being sick (or tried to anyway) just so I wouldn't have to go because school scared me that much. Also, I'm pretty sure people began to think I was mute because I didn't speak at school all during sixth maybe even seventh grade. So yes, I never felt comfortable at school because of my classmates and my teachers and tried my best to make myself invisible for a long time. Telling my friends this I usually got the same reaction. It went something like this:

Me: Yeah...it's a miracle I've turned out as pleasant as I have, really.

Friend: It's a miracle that you don't hate people and the world!

At the time, I just laughed at those statements but then I started thinking more and more about what that last part meant. I don't think I actually outright hated the world or people, but there was a time that I started living life on the defense and would bully people until they eventually left me alone. I might be giving my younger self too much credit but in retrospect, I think I knew in the back of my mind that way I interacted with others wasn't what I wanted for myself or others. However, after years of harassment that was the only way I knew to stand up for myself. I think that's where bullies come from honestly. I could be wrong but that's just a theory. Well eventually I've become the more outgoing and (hopefully) friendlier person that I am now and this makes me wonder: what exactly made me change? I know the answer but it's one of those weird "it's more complicated than it sounds but on the other hand, it's not" things: I simply changed my mind.

Ya know that song from Wicked, "Defying Gravity?" If you don't you should go look it up on Youtube right now. Wonderful song. Anyway, there's a part in the song where the main character, Elpheba, says, "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." I think that's how I felt when I changed my mind. I was wounded by insensitive people and some invisible law said that when that happens, you're supposed to become bitter, hate everything, trust no one, etc. I knew this and yet I had to wonder, "Why...?" It's kinda like that part in the first Matrix movie (yay pop culture) when Neo learned to dodge bullets. Suddenly this controlled, set-in-stone world became see through and Neo saw things for what they actually were. It was like that (but not nearly as cool or actiony) for me at some point. I was miserable, but I didn't want to be miserable, but that invisible psyche law said that's the way it's supposed to be when you're "the walking wounded," and so I was frustrated because I didn't want to be miserable anymore! But then I changed my mind, deciding that I didn't want to be that way, that I wanted to have friends and like people. And suddenly I was punching Agent Smith in the face. Yay metaphors! So (holy crap, a point!) reflecting over all of that, I've come to a conclusion: I am amazing. I say this not with arrogance but awe of my own progess over time. I don't know about you, but I believe it takes a lot of guts (with a dash of insanity) to take a hit over and over and over throughout your life and then still have the courage to not only be yourself but to try to communicate and be kind to those who have been verbally beating the crap out of you. I'll say this - it's amazing the kinds of walls you break down when you just don't give a dang lol.

Now before my head gets too inflated, I will say that I do have several faults. For example, I'm sure my sarcasm has hurt a few feelings here and there. Most people thinks it's funny and I agree but not if it actually hurts people. That is never my intention or it never should be anyway. However, despite all my faults, I have been keeping with my newest philosophy: You should treat yourself like you would your bestfriend - You won't always like yourself, but you should always love yourself. I do love myself very much and I am excited about the person I have become/am becoming, for the most part.

On an ending note, for those of you who are wondering how I've been doing health-wise, I have made (what I think is) tremendous progress. I went to the doctor this week and was told that my thyroid gland is normal thanks to my medication. Also it has been decided that I will no longer have to take anti-depressants for my clinical depression. I am grateful for the good that the medicine did when I needed it but I am even more thankful that I no longer need them. I will instead be going to counseling from now on which I think will be much more beneficial. I don't think I'm back to 100% by any means. I am still feeling emotional/mentally tired from last semester, but the important thing is that I am moving forward. Even if it's only one step at a time, progress is progress right?

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day. For my friends who are dating/engaged/married, I love you guys and I'm glad that you (hopefully) love each other. For my single friends, do not despair. Whether it's your family, your friends, me, Jesus, or all the above, you are loved by someone! No one should feel unloved on Valentine's Day, even if it is a now highly commercialized, corporate holiday lol.

With Hugs of Supreme Happiness,
Misfit