The Joys of Air Travel

I don't care for flying for several reasons:

1) You have to get to the airport really freakin' early and then wait forever.

2) The ridiculous lengths I have to go through (depending on what city I'm in) to prove I'm not a terrorist and I'm really wearing this interesting beanie on my head because I have nappy hair. Not because I'm secretly hiding weapons of mass destruction. On my somewhat large head.

3) Turbulence is from Satan *gets motion sickness just thinking about it*


However, there are two things I like about flying:

1) When you are going to different regions of the country, you hear a colorful variety of accents. Example:

The announcer person in Detriot: Attintion oll passengeers, floits (insert random numbers here) 'ave ben mooved teh (more random gate thingies), ya know. *same type of announcement is repeated in Japanese, Chinese, and some other language that sounds not American or Spanish*

in Georgia: Attention awl passengurs, flaights (see above) have bin moved tyou (etc.), thank yoo!
*repeated in Spanish*

Me: *brain explodes*


2) People watching is a great past time for waiting on a delayed flight. The bigger the airport the wider the variety.

General Examples: Families with small children (children are either quiet and zoned out 80% of the time or they're extremely loud and whining about how bored they are), Asian Businessmen, Asian Tourists, American Tourists, College Students (can usually be identified by school merchandise and/or iPod headphones forever welded into their ears), Women with small dogs, Black women with enough bling to set off security check points in China, Confused Foreigners, and (the holiday classic) Large family groups that will not only annoy half of the people in the concourse by trying to find their connecting flight but also make you never want to a) get married or b) have children (there is also a great possibility that they will end up killing each other before they find the freakin' connecting flight anyway)

But every so often, you come across the not so delightful, "colorful" folk. I remember three distinct episodes during my Thanksgiving travels.

The first was the older lady that complained about everything and her almost mute husband that was kinda sorta there but not really. They were on my flight from Cinncinati to Detroit and I'm pretty sure that it was impossible that there were terrorists on that flight (that or they were the worst terrorists ever) because frankly if there were any - this woman would've been the first to die. She complained when we all got onto the plane about how cramped and crowded it was. Then she complained when they announced that refreshments would NOT be served because the flight was only thirty minutes (which she also complained about...apparently a thirty minute flight was just too unbearable.) And of course the entire time, her husband sat next to her, reading some book. I seriously forgot he was over there until we all got up to leave the plane (which of course the woman complained about).

The second and third episodes happened about five minutes apart as I was waiting in Atlanta airport to fly back to Little Rock. First this scary crack-Barbie looking lady comes out of nowhere and starts yelling about her stuff missing (right after they made a security annoucement about NOT living your stuff unattended. lawl.) and proceeded to make a scene and make everyone at our gate feel very awkward. I was pretty zoned out thanks to having a cold and jet lag but even I couldn't ignore the woman (and her frightening eye make up *shutter* ). Eventually the woman rushed up next to me and just about throws my coat onto the floor as she is still looking for her stuff. Seeing that her stuff is not there, she proceeds to cuss very loudly despite the fact that there are small infants right in front of her....that's a big no-no in my book but I won't go into that. I'm just glad she didn't touch my laptop bag cuz I would seriously bite off her fingers and spit her fake, claw-like nails into her eyes....ahem.

So after that episode (about five or ten-ish minutes later), this other woman (looked somewhere around her early thirties) sits down next to me and randomly starts talking to me. This usually doesn't bother me, but what started out as a somewhat normal (maybe) conversation suddenly became VERY awkward...like Twilight Zone/Jerry Springer awkward. Observe:

Woman: *sees me looking at my boarding pass* so....going back to Little Rock?

Me: ....yes. (thinking: actually most EVERYONE at this gate is going to Little Rock.)

Woman: so is that home for you or what?

Me: no...I just go to school there.

Woman: oh.

(about five seconds after a long pause)

Woman: Ya know that family over there is probably staring at me because I'm benge eating... (me: ....?) No really, I am. But I'm bulimic so it's all good!

Me: ................................................................. (thinking: what. the crap.)

Thankfully my flight started to board not too long after that. Seriously though...what is up with people in Atlanta?! (and how do they find me?! o_0) Moral of the story: Don't talk to strangers and if they force you into an awkward conversation - tell them you don't speak English...in English. This will confuse them long enough to where you can make your escape. If this tactic fails, either fake a demon possession or call Chuck Norris.

Misfit